So last night I went to my first nkt foundation program lesson in which we focus on one chosen text the head of the nkt, Geshe Kelsang Gyatso, had written. We are focusing on a book entitled Meaningful to Behold which teaches how to be a friend to the world via dharma.
The evening started ok in so much as I managed to get Haydn to my parents early which meant I should have got to class early.... No, that did not happen! Instead I got distracted with Haydn, my knee high boots broke and I got into a tonne of rush hour tragic - nice.
I eventually got there only 5 mins late, but no one was answering the door! I had images of having to go home cause no one heard me or disrupting the lesson so much with my knocking that pagpa himself had to come and let me in! Luckily an old friend of mine, ste, turned up and he had a key to the centre as he helped out there too, phew!
We rushed in to find prayers had started so I slid as quietly as possible onto a chair near the back n tried to join in with what little I remembered of the prayers from when I did them about 4 years ago.... There was a lot of humming coming from me, like when you forget the words to a song.... Hope no one noticed!
Next was medication then we all read through bits of the book n pagpa gave more explaination. Then we paired off n I was paired with a lovely bloke called Dave to discuss the book. Then break then all again.
Honestly I felt like the new kids in the new school-i had not a clue what was going on! First off, I realised I didnt have one of the books we needed so I just had to listen carefully when they read it out. I was just kinda following everyone else's lead, and luckily ste kept pointing me in the right direction, but it was all abit overwhelming and scary, so I need to look at my fear n figure it out I think.
Things that triggered my fear mind at the class were: when the admin guy of the group asked if we could have a chat after class (which I knew would be about money so I got all worried that he wouldn't believe me that pagpa had said I could have the first few lessons free), when the talk took place and the seriousness of the commitment I needed to make to the class sank it (I get a study partner who I have to give a talk with during the year which scared the hell out of me too!). Also just how long some of the people had been there studying and learning made me look so insignificant in my spiritual development I felt, again, new girl in the class, big fish was in small pond n now is in the ocean!
Looking at these fears, I can see they come from my grasping at my own ego and ideas of myself. I'm scared of what other people think of me, that I'm not going to be the smartest or most spiritual, the best, really.i NEED TO LET GO OF THIS PERSONA I HAVE BUILT UP OF MYSELF and accept that I know very little atm, but that eventually I will know more and more stuff and this feeling will pass. I have visions of me giving a teaching in the class and being laughed at and humilated because i didnt know things or got something wrong, which has happened to me before at high school, but again this whole scene is fantasy created by the evil fear mind who loves to torture me! So this is something I really need to work on.
From the book we are studying at the moment, the most applicable section related to the ranpaging white elephant that is our mind - if he is allowed to run amok in our minds we will be forever distressed and unhappy. Whereas if we take the time to tie down the elephant with the rope of mindfulness and alertness to the pillar of wisdom aka buddhist teachings aka dharma, we can be in control of our mind, and as such me in control of everything as everything comes from our mind - What we think shapes our world.
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