It's all going to hell: it's just something else to let go of

Things are challenging atm. This bit of the road is bumpy. I'll summarise.

I have a current case against the company I used to work for as they made me redundant whilst I was on maternity without any notice and I only found out via my colleagues Facebook update. It's been going since August and its been a struggle and very unprofessionally handled. The date for the tribunal is end of Feb, but I found out a few days ago that the three companies in the consortium I worked in have gone into liquidation and insolvency. This means even if I win the case I may not get anything if there is nothing left.

The one company who I was on their payroll for my maternity pay has gone.into.insolvency so I have not got any maternity pay this month and I don't know if I'm going to get anything for this or next month.

Boxing day was spent with my parents watching my old school plays.which really embarrass me and also brought up.loads of bad memories of my being bullied. Also, I discovered that my parents, who have been spending like the clappers recently and for a good while beforehand and said it was their savings, had huge amounts of savings, 35k of them from my.grandmothers death 8 years ago which they did not.tell.me about, share with me or offer me a penny when times were hard for us, especially now.

So yeah, this bit of the ride is very bumpy.

Bill hicks, my favorite comedian, said this, n.it's my most loved quote ever:

It's Just A Ride

It's Just A Ride

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question, is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "hey - don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride..."

...It's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."

-- The Late Bill Hicks, Comedian

Ajhan Chah said, in Jack Kornfields 'After the Ecstasy, the Laundry':

"Its just something else to let go of."

I meditated on this tonight and as clear as day I heard my.teacher Pagpa's bells he used to cleanse the ritual rooms which helps the inferno of my mind just clear suddenly.tonight. he told.me.to just let it all go into the river as it will all come back, just give it all to the river n let it go...

Xmas n New year reflections

My first Xmas with my son was brilliant, just to see the sheer joy on his face with certain gifts was amazing! But this Xmas brought with it some realisations for me which shocked me.

I got for my husband things I knew he wanted because I asked him to send me a wish list. He instead did not ask n got me a huge load of choc n some patches for my jacket which were nice n a £30 b&q voucher. Typing this now it seems like I got good gifts, but at the time it did seem very repetitive. My thoughts n judgements shocked me. I thought 'Great, I got him loads of stuff he really wanted n it seems like he just went round his works, why so much choc?! This is rubbish, his gifts I got him are so much better!' As I said, shocking! I took some time to examine them n realised I was still attached to material things n that was very wrong of me. So, for the rest of the day I focused on the joy my.son for from his gifts n was grateful fpr my hubbys presence n love, not caring about the little gifts social rules say we have to buy. But I realised I have some work to do on my mind regarding this...

Shedding the labels and finding a job

So, my maternity pay is coming to an end at the end of January, which means I need to find a stable income to help put food on the table, as If we just lived on the hubbys wages we would not have anything spare each month. I've been doing abit of online sales here n there but it's so unreliable n knackering as its in the evenings n after looking after Haydn all day I'm wacked! But this is bringing up issues for me.

You see, I'm a fully trained teacher and assessor. I have the potential to earn up to about 40k with my quals! The most I earned was 35k as a department head in a colleges uni department. The thing is, as anyone how has been or is a teacher will tell you, the job is very taxing, stressful, has after school meetings and lots of homework: not good when ur a mum.

I did the job for 7 year but cause I was never a yes man I basically got promoted to a job I was set to fail at, it was an impossible job n I was forced out. I then did a few teaching jobs which again ended badly, mainly with me.not being paid. My last job was as an assessor n I loved it! But I went on maternity and got made redundant. So as u can see, my job track record has not been too great! But my issue today is not this; it is the role my job takes in my identity.

I used to define myself by my job. I was so proud that at 21 I was a programme leader earning 25k! It was so hard but I pushed.n pushed myself to make it work, n eventually it did. I lived for work and study, made to so lists for my spare time: I was only happy when I had things to do n things to achieve, I was a workaholic. I was a teacher, I was doing a PhD, I was everything my parents had never been. But I was not happy, I see that now. I was in an empty marriage which I avoided by filling all my free time with my PhD n teaching work. Looking back, I was a hard person to work with and many of my colleagues left year after year because of me. I was blunt, uncompassionate, and I ruled by fear and domination because that's how my father ruled me. I belittled my colleagues to make myself.look better, and was very emotional with many anger issues.

It was only when I began learning the dharma that my entire being changed, and my teaching career then was.taken from.me at the same.time I ended my marriage and fell out with all.my colleagues prior to my promotion aftr building such good relations with them all. This was such a challenging time for me, I had a breakdown emotionally and physically for many months. When I recovered and tried to start.working again, a huge issue arose- who was I if I was not doing my PhD ans being a teacher? This was all.I had ever known, but after the trauma of being.bullied out, the familiar became scary and alien to me. I never wanted.to go back into.education after what had happened to me, but who was I without it? I had quit my PhD as now I didn't want to be in education anymore I saw no point in doing.it as I was doing it so I could become a uni lecturer, my then life goal. So who was I now? What were my goals? What are they now? I had nothing, the universe had ripped away all my labels I had clung to so much n made.an.identity with: wife, teacher, PhD student, head of department. I had nothing now, I was almost as bare as a baby, and I felt so much fear at this exposure.

Luckily, my now husband helped me through it slowly, and over the years I have began to see the needlessness of labels. They are there to tell a nice story to others so they will.like or envy you. When u are a full time.mum, there is no.need for fancy stories or labels, you are what you are and what your baby seems: mummy, and that's the best label.I.have ever had.

As such, looking for a job like I am.now is a much easier task now there.is no.ego involved. I find when I'm tralling through my.mind still says 'o ur too good to do that job!" Which I suppose when looking at my qualifications I am, but I've had my career in a job. My career is now being a mum, n I'm looking for a little job just to feed my family and the car! As such, I'm not looking for a new label, so it doesn't matter what the job is. It won't become part of my identity, another label, it will.just be a month source. I'll be proud to say to my son that I go out and.work a proper job for a few hours a week so I can be a stay at home mum for the majority of the time, nor just rely on the dole or my hubby, n having my son be proud of me is very important. I dont care if I have to.be a cleaner or warehouse worker, the money is the same from any job, n I can do it knowing its for my family.

So yes, I'm working on removing the ego and my need for labels, but the two labels I want to keep are mummy n wife :)

Why I'm frustrated

So I had a good talk with the hubby last night about why I'm feeling bored with life n frustrated which is manifesting as wanting a new cat or dog. We came to the realisation that my mind is so used to living in areas of conflict and violence from my.childhood, and then in an environment.of problems and constant issues when I was a department head. I thrived in solving problems and resolving dramas, but now I have none of.this. my everyday life with Haydn as a stay at home mum has very few big problems and drama, and whilst I should be grateful for.this, my mind is struggling to adapt n.is looking for.New drama and problems to solve. But also, the things going on atm like the employment tribunnal, the lack of job, Haydn lack.of sleep.pattern should.be problems but I.don't see them as such, I see them only as challenges to overcome and to.learn from. I think because I have stopped seeing life as a series of blessings n problems and instead just challenges, my brain is like "hang on, where are all the problems I am trained n built to.cope.with? What do I do now?!" I can't garden.due to it being winter, I find it hard to find time to read n am too tired to meditate. I think when my mind is striving to solve something, I will focus on understand complex Buddhist teachings like those on attachments and killing the ego :)

Why am I feeling down?

The past week I've been feeling generally down and found myself longing for some significant change in my life which seems to be taking the shape of wanting a new dog or a kitten! My hubby is being great and just saying no because he knows how impulsive I can be when I get like this. This could be down to my not getting enough sleep or the time of the year. I've not found the time to really sit with this in meditation due to Haydn, my 7 month old, needing me, tiredness n chores n Dan needing my help.

I think I am.just generally frustrated by life atm n feel.powerless to change it. I haven't got a job and cannot start.finding one until Jan, the employment tribunnal against my old company who made me redundant when I was on maternity is in Feb, I'm struggling to deal.with dans epilepsy which stops him helping me at night with Haydn. This is a good time for me.to practice surrendering to the current moment and just practice patient acceptance:

"As Shantideva says:

There is no evil like anger And no virtue like patience.

With patience, we can accept any pain that is inflicted upon us and we can easily endure our usual troubles and indispositions. With patience, nothing upsets our peace of mind and we do not experience problems. With patience, we maintain an inner peace and tranquility that allows spiritual realizations to grow. Chandrakirti says that if we practise patience we will have a beautiful form in the future, and we will become a holy being with high realizations." (Introduction to Buddhism by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso)

I need.to accept.that this situation, these feelings and emotions are.empty of permanence, they will change and cease soon enough and give way to a whole new.load of emotions and challenges, so why get caught up in.them if they are going to go.soon? Just keep breathing and say, this will end soon enough...

After Haydn has gone to bed and I've watched Merlin :) I'm going to listen to 'After the Ecstasy, the Laundry' by Jack Kornfield. I've read it before and I know its an excellent book about adjusting to western reality after experiencing moments of enlightenment, and coping :)

Ive also decided to go to the new Kadampa centre in Chorlton in the new year as everything's wrapping up for Xmas atm.

Introduction

Before I begin, I am thankful that you have decided to take the time to read this, given a small part of your time to listen to my ramblings. Thank you.

 

Who am I?

Thats kind of a funny question considering this is a buddhist-focused blog and that's one of the biggies we grapple with! But for now I'll just stick with the normal stuff that appears in the 'who I am' section. 
I'm a 29 year old mum to a currently 7 month old beam of light and joy who is currently serving as my new boss and spiritual teacher! I am married to a very open-minded man who supports me 100% with my journey. I like experimenting with hair colours, gardenning, eating vegetarian food especially dark chocolate, and reading.

My journey...so far

The Vajravarahi Kadampa Buddhist Centre, Preston

I first found the Dharma (teaching of the Buddha) after a dream I had (which i cant remember the details of) in 2006/7 I think. The day after, I found a brilliant book all about Buddhism in a random discount book store, and a lovely wooden statue of Buddha Shakyamuni from Nepal in a charity shop. I devoured the book in two days (it was a good 200 pages, with pictures which helped!) and went on the internet to see if any Buddhist centres existed near me. As luck (something I will talk about is detail later on) there was a New Kadampa Tradition Buddhist Centre in Preston not 20 mins drive from me! Excellent News!   

Gen Kelsang Pagpa

I went to a General Practice talk which was led by the resident teacher, Gen Kelsang Pagpa; a man who when I first met him radiated light, warm and happiness - I knew we would be great friends and he my spiritual guide for years to come. I attended regular GP sessions, went to empowermentsand other workshops at the centre, and eventually attended the annual NKT festivals at the Manjushri Centre in the Lake District which was breathtaking (admittedly I only made it one day through the first festival due to my troubled marriage and equally troubled husband drawing me away, but the second time, when I had just left him, I made it through the full festival and it was such an amazing and empowering experience!). 
I always wanted to take my commitment to the dharma and the Buddha one step further, to do the foundation programme study courses, but due to my teaching career and troubled marriage I was unable to (my karma had not yet ripened enough for me to do these courses, there was more I needed to experience before I was ready, I see now). After leaving my marriage and going through a very challenging time on all fronts, I moved away from the Preston centre to the Manchester area, and my practice continued, just without the Sangha the Preston centre provided (luckily Pagpa was on Facebook so he was always there if I needed him spiritually). But very recently things have changed! 

Where I am now

 

After having my son in May, I felt a real need to reconnect with my spiritual path in order to be a good mother and also because I see so many people in my community suffering, as I am becomming a more active member by attending parenting groups which are really opening my eyes to their suffering. Certain books are helping (which I will review later on in this blog) but I long for a Sangha. As luck may have it, the magic of Facebook found me a Kadampa Centre 20 mins drive from me - The Vairochana Kadampa Buddhist Centre.I was so overjoyed to find a centre near me, more so when I saw the centre does mums n babies group on a Thursday morning! So guess where I am going on Thursday! So excited!!!!

The Vairochana Kadampa Buddhist Centre

This excitement has reinvigorated me. I have rebuilt my meditation space, have placed my sacred NKT texts in a nice sacred box, started reading the books again and also did my first session of prayers and meditation this morning (it was only for 5 mins whilst the hubby changed my son's bum anfd dressed him for the day but hey its a start!).

What this blog is for/will feature

In this blog, I will detail my journey alongside being a mother, my thoughts and feelings, fustrations and moments of sheer bliss, all my challenges the universe throws at me. I'll also be reviewing Buddhist texts from a variety of Buddhist path as I approach Buddhism from a quite eclectic approach to get a broader understanding. 

The end goal...

Besides the obvious... to hold NKT classes in my local community to start helping those I see suffering around me everyday. Aldo, to be a better mother, wife, friend, daughter, and person in general. 

"Learn to do good, cease to do harm, control the mind, and benefit others."