So, my maternity pay is coming to an end at the end of January, which means I need to find a stable income to help put food on the table, as If we just lived on the hubbys wages we would not have anything spare each month. I've been doing abit of online sales here n there but it's so unreliable n knackering as its in the evenings n after looking after Haydn all day I'm wacked! But this is bringing up issues for me.
You see, I'm a fully trained teacher and assessor. I have the potential to earn up to about 40k with my quals! The most I earned was 35k as a department head in a colleges uni department. The thing is, as anyone how has been or is a teacher will tell you, the job is very taxing, stressful, has after school meetings and lots of homework: not good when ur a mum.
I did the job for 7 year but cause I was never a yes man I basically got promoted to a job I was set to fail at, it was an impossible job n I was forced out. I then did a few teaching jobs which again ended badly, mainly with me.not being paid. My last job was as an assessor n I loved it! But I went on maternity and got made redundant. So as u can see, my job track record has not been too great! But my issue today is not this; it is the role my job takes in my identity.
I used to define myself by my job. I was so proud that at 21 I was a programme leader earning 25k! It was so hard but I pushed.n pushed myself to make it work, n eventually it did. I lived for work and study, made to so lists for my spare time: I was only happy when I had things to do n things to achieve, I was a workaholic. I was a teacher, I was doing a PhD, I was everything my parents had never been. But I was not happy, I see that now. I was in an empty marriage which I avoided by filling all my free time with my PhD n teaching work. Looking back, I was a hard person to work with and many of my colleagues left year after year because of me. I was blunt, uncompassionate, and I ruled by fear and domination because that's how my father ruled me. I belittled my colleagues to make myself.look better, and was very emotional with many anger issues.
It was only when I began learning the dharma that my entire being changed, and my teaching career then was.taken from.me at the same.time I ended my marriage and fell out with all.my colleagues prior to my promotion aftr building such good relations with them all. This was such a challenging time for me, I had a breakdown emotionally and physically for many months. When I recovered and tried to start.working again, a huge issue arose- who was I if I was not doing my PhD ans being a teacher? This was all.I had ever known, but after the trauma of being.bullied out, the familiar became scary and alien to me. I never wanted.to go back into.education after what had happened to me, but who was I without it? I had quit my PhD as now I didn't want to be in education anymore I saw no point in doing.it as I was doing it so I could become a uni lecturer, my then life goal. So who was I now? What were my goals? What are they now? I had nothing, the universe had ripped away all my labels I had clung to so much n made.an.identity with: wife, teacher, PhD student, head of department. I had nothing now, I was almost as bare as a baby, and I felt so much fear at this exposure.
Luckily, my now husband helped me through it slowly, and over the years I have began to see the needlessness of labels. They are there to tell a nice story to others so they will.like or envy you. When u are a full time.mum, there is no.need for fancy stories or labels, you are what you are and what your baby seems: mummy, and that's the best label.I.have ever had.
As such, looking for a job like I am.now is a much easier task now there.is no.ego involved. I find when I'm tralling through my.mind still says 'o ur too good to do that job!" Which I suppose when looking at my qualifications I am, but I've had my career in a job. My career is now being a mum, n I'm looking for a little job just to feed my family and the car! As such, I'm not looking for a new label, so it doesn't matter what the job is. It won't become part of my identity, another label, it will.just be a month source. I'll be proud to say to my son that I go out and.work a proper job for a few hours a week so I can be a stay at home mum for the majority of the time, nor just rely on the dole or my hubby, n having my son be proud of me is very important. I dont care if I have to.be a cleaner or warehouse worker, the money is the same from any job, n I can do it knowing its for my family.
So yes, I'm working on removing the ego and my need for labels, but the two labels I want to keep are mummy n wife :)
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